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ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

• Smart man + smart woman = romance
• Smart man + dumb woman = affair
• Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
• Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

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OFFICE ARITHMETIC

• Smart boss + smart employee = profit
• Smart boss + dumb employee = production
• Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
• Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

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SHOPPING MATH

• A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
• A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.

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GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

• A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
• A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
• A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
• A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

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HAPPINESS

• To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
• To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

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LONGEVITY

• Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

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PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

• A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
• A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

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DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

• A woman has the last word in any argument.
• Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

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HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

• Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.